


can you keep it?

by hannxhs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fidelius Charms, First War with Voldemort, M/M, sirius' motivation for saying no was not the one everyone thinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24091819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannxhs/pseuds/hannxhs
Summary: James asks Sirius to be Secret Keeper.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter (mentioned), Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	can you keep it?

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from secret by the pierces 
> 
> i wrote this very quickly this morning instead of writing on my actual paper that i have to hand in in a week and i didnt completely hate it when i read it back, so. i don't like the first half as much and maybe i'll come around some day to try and improvie it but for now, i hope you enjoy this.

"No.“

„Sirius, I've thought about this, _we've_ thought about this and I know it's a lot to ask- too much to ask, and it's not fair, and I'm sorry, but we want it to be you.“

„I could easily be the mole, James, you idiot.“

He snorts, as if the idea of Sirius Black being a Death Eater was the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. Sirius thinks: _You idiot, you trust too easily, even now._

"That's likely." James says, saracastically. _It Is, half of my family has probably joined his ranks!_ But even as he thinks it, Sirius recognises the excuse for the pathetic attempt of an out that it is. Sirius joining the Death Eaters was as likely as him ever having a single conversation with one of his family members that didn't end them trying to hex each other. Privately, Sirius thinks that even if he did want to join up with Voldemort, his pride would never allow it. In some ways, Sirius is still the newly-sorted Gryffindor, doing everything in his power to set himself apart from his _toujours pur_ family.

"C'mon Sirius," James says after a moment has passed, "I would trust you with my life. I _am_ trusting you with my life here, and there's no doubt in my mind that you're up for this."

"James, I'm the most obvious choice! Even you can't be this daft, I'll be the first person they're going to go after!"

James, confused now, looks away from where Harry is playing on the ground with some muggle toy Lily had bought him, and stares at Sirius. "I know that, and I hate it, but they still will even if we make someone else Keeper. Besides, I thought you'd want to do this! Actually, we thought you‘d be rather mad if we asked anyone else! What's the problem here? I know you would never rat me out because I know I would never rat you out, because that's how it's always been!“

"You don't know that for sure." Sirius mumbles.

"Yes, I do!“ James almost shouts, and he sounds so convicted, like he'll just cast the Fidelius himself any second now if he could, and Sirius knows he has to explain this, because James still does not understand.

"It's not about me!" He says, agitated. James, apparently so confused by this statement he's stunned into silence, just looks at him questioningly. Sirius sighs.

Much quieter, he continues. "It's... They'd torture me for a bit and that's fine, I mean, sure, it would suck a little, but they wouldn't be able to kill me because of the Secret, and Merlin knows I can handle a little pain. But eventually, after weeks or maybe months or whenever their patience ran out, they'd realise they couldn't torture it out of me, and, and." Sirius breaks off. He can't even bear to think about it. A quick look at James, and Sirius knows he understands.

"Remus." James breathes quietly, a look of enlightenment of his face, except it's not the happy look he'd get in sixth year whenever he got an idea for a new prank, it's a heartbroken look, because they're barely older now but have aged twenty years at the same time. Sirius can't remember the last time any of them got to have a happy enlightening.

Even quieter now, as if the words would hurt less if he just didn't give them as much volume, Sirius nods and continues. "They know, because I'm sure our relationships were the first thing the mole told Voldemort and. They'd get to him, and Merlin knows what they'd do to him in front of me, and they wouldn't have a reason not to kill him and-" He chokes a little on the emotions welling up in his heart, his brain, his entire existence, it seems. "And if it came down to you or him." Sirius shakes his head, trying to rid the thought from his brain. "If I had to _choose,_ James, _I can't_ -"

He can't hold back the sob this time, but he powers through still, "I can't make that decision James. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know it's selfish but I can't make that decision and that's why I can't make that promise, James, because no matter who I choose, I wouldn't be able to live with myself, and they wouldn't be able to live with me either and _please_ ," He sounds desperate now, even he can hear it through all the emotions wirring through his brain, and Sirius Black doesn't beg, but if he did, it would probably be what he is doing right now.

" _Please,_ James, please. _I can't,_ please." It's probably more than he's said please the entire three years leading up to this moment, but he needs James to understand this and he needs him to choose someone else, Because Sirius is too desperate not to lose either of them, because no one has ever been as important as James and Remus, and he would lose both of them, no matter what decision he would make and he can't. He knows it's selfish, and he hates himself for it a little, but not enough to give in. "I can't risk him, and I can't risk you, so I can't at all. I'm sorry. You know I would do it in a heartbeat if it was only me, but Moony... I can't lose him. Please don't make me lose him."

Sirius doesn't know how much longer he would have kept his pleading ramble going if it hadn't been for James's hand gripping his shoulder. Grounding him, understanding him. "Sirius," James says, voice steady, "I understand. You don't have to apologise, I get it, of course I do. I mean, if Lily..." He trails off and runs the hand that had been gripping Sirius' shoulder a second ago through his hair, a subconscious movement, and in that instant he looks so much like the little boy Sirius had befriended all those years ago, and Sirius wants to cry all over again. But he won't, and James is not that boy, hasn't been for a long time, because instead of worrying about detentions they worry about their friends dying, and there's no time to dwell on the past, anyway. Not with the present they're living in, where time is scarier than it has ever been because everyone Sirius has ever loved could be running out of theirs every day.

"I understand." James speaks again after a few moments have passed, the two best friends both pulled back from their thoughts, "and we should've thought about that before we asked you. You're right. We'll find someone else. I just wish..."

"I know," Sirius says, defeatedly, "me too.“


End file.
